How Am I???????

The short answer is I am doing OK. The long answer is a lot more complicated…

I do not have anywhere near a complete answer. Nevertheless, here are pieces of what I can tell you.

I keep asking my sister and my close friends, "Why am I functioning? What is wrong with me? How can I go to work and be actually somewhat productive? How can I smile and laugh and it's real, not even manufactured for show?"

I'm sure part of why I am functioning is because reality has not totally sunk in. Intellectually I know I will not see Emily again in this life. But I still expect to pick up the phone and hear her trademark, "Hi! It's me." Just recently, the words were on my tongue to ask Jessica, my youngest daughter, if Em had seen her cute new haircut. I choked back the words and tears came in their stead. I have been told that reality will come in waves. So far, in God's mercy, reality has come in ripples.

The "bedrock" of where I am at is this: I know with absolute certainty, without any thread of doubt, that in Emily's walk on this earth, she met and embraced her Savior. I know with absolute certainty that Emily is now in the presence of her God and King. I also know with absolute certainty, that someday I will be reunited with my daughter and hold her in my arms again. Yes, I grieve. But I do not grieve as those who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I have struggled with guilt for just having the ability to function. My dear friend, Becky, has repeatedly told me, "Marilyn, it's God's mercy. It is a gift. Just accept it." I have finally come to the point of embracing this gift, and made a decision to not take on guilt when my God has given me mercy.

Shortly after Emily's death, an acquaintance told me how she had been saddened to hear of our loss and had been praying for us. Then she said she knew it wasn't quite the same, but to some extent she understood what we were going through. Some six years earlier, she had carried a baby to term and then the child was stillborn. At the time, that brought me little comfort and I confess I really wasn't very appreciative of her comments.

Over the next couple of days, as God was walking with me, He took me down a different path. As I looked back on that conversation, I now had a new perspective, and the Lord used her words to speak to me. He brought me to this place where I had to ask myself, would I be willing to trade with this woman? NO! Absolutely not! I had the privilege of sharing almost twenty-four years with Emily. I would never trade those precious years for any "lesser pain". I realized then that my cup is not half empty; my cup is half full. I treasure every moment I had with Emily and recognize that each second was a blessing and a gift from God!

The other day, my sister asked me to consider the possibility that my cup is not half full, but completely full. I looked at her, very bewildered. She continued, perhaps my cup is half full with Emily's time on earth but then filled to the brim and overflowing with something even better, something I can't see or grasp in my pain and humanity, at least for now.

Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I know that what happened that early December morning did not come as a surprise to God. He told me in Psalms 139 that He created Emily's inmost being and fearfully and wonderfully knit her together in my womb. He also told me all of Emily's days were written in His book before one of them came to be. God knew He would take her home to be with Him on December 8, 2004.

While here on earth, Emily acknowledged that she was a sinner and by her own merit unworthy to stand in the presence of Holy God. However, she also understood the great sacrifice that had been made on her behalf for her redemption. She loved, worshipped and served the One who out of His unconditional love for her, willingly endured a cruel death. Emily knew that as Christ hung on that horrible cross, He looked through time, saw her, and willingly took on the full penalty of all her sins. She knew His love for her was so great; He would have made that same sacrifice even if it were only for her.

Emily also knew this day would come when she would stand before God, and she knew that as she looked into His eyes, she would see her Savior. She didn't know it would be December 8, 2004, but she knew the day would come. She lived her life on earth looking forward to that day. In response to His great love and sacrifice, she lived her life loving Him, serving Him. Looking forward to being in His presence.

She heard the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." He sees her now as He created her and always intended her to be, holy and pure, dressed in a beautiful spotless white gown, more radiant than on her earthly wedding day. I have this picture in my mind of her dancing with her true Bridegroom. Is that part of my overflowing cup that I can't presently see?

Christmas break of Emily's sophomore year, she was a participant in SPU's Urban Plunge. This is a program where students, dressed in ragged clothes, spend a week on the streets of downtown Seattle, eating in soup kitchens, panhandling and immersing themselves in the lives of the homeless. Emily wept as she told us of her experiences that week, the heartache she had seen and the painful life stories she had heard from those she met. She told me that before she began that week, she had prayed asking God that He would open the eyes of her heart that she would be broken for Him. She wept with tears of gratitude as she told me how He had answered that prayer.

One of Emily's favorite songs, which we sang it at her memorial is "Better is One Day". It comes from Psalms 84 where the psalmist cries out, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere". Emily believed that and lived it. She is enjoying His presence now. If one day in His presence is better than a thousand elsewhere, what about eternity in His presence? Is that part of my overflowing cup that I can't presently see?

So, now I have a choice. I could shake my fist at God, curse Him in my anger and pain, turn my back, and walk away. I could. But how could I ever face Emily again? What would she say to me if I made that choice? What if I walked away from the Savior she loved and served, the One whom she asked that she might be broken for Him?

John records an event in the life of Christ (chapter 6) that I have pondered a great deal the last few weeks. Many of those who had been following Christ as He went from village to village, probably part of the five thousand He feed on the hillside, became dismayed as He told them of the suffering He would soon endure.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

Yes, I have questions and I definitely do not understand the WHY! But I'm not the one who made heaven and earth and put the sun, moon and stars in the sky. So, I choose not to shake my fist at God. I choose to trust Him when I do not understand. I choose to run to Him as I am broken and in pain. I choose to answer as Peter did.

Lord, where else can I go? You ARE the Holy One of God. My heart aches to be reunited with Emily and my Mother and other loved ones You have already welcomed home. I long to be in Your presence, my God and my King. Fill my cup, Lord.